I WILL NOW TELL YOU THE BEST WAY TO CHOP A CAULIFLOWER.
You will never chop a cauliflower the same way again. You will never ever EVER chop it that way again ever.
Get a cauliflower. A whole one. A really BIG one.
Put it on the cutting board exactly the way it grows, with its flower part up. So it doesn’t suspect anything.
Maybe walk away from it.
Like you’re going to do something else.
Maybe you’re going to get it some nice water.
Maybe you’re going to open that window over there so the sun can shine in on it and it can bask in the lovely warmth and feel so nice and sa–NOW TURN AND YOU CUT THAT SUCKER IN HALF, THA-WHACK!!!
Making veggie platters freaking sucks. Aside from that, NOBODY EATS CAULIFLOWER AND BROCCOLI ON VEGGIE PLATTERS. People eat the tasty veggies like carrots and cucumbers and peppers and jicama. …if there’s jicama, everyone just eats that. Jicama is delicious. Remember that.
Now that you’ve murdered the cauliflower, double tap each side in half.
You can really feel good about this because as we discussed, cauliflower is NASTY.
Take each quarter and sit it up on it’s butt just like before: the flower part pointing up to the sky. Like before when it was happy and hopeful about water and sunlight. Cup it in your hand (don’t be shy), and slice out its heart. You should be able to accomplish this with one chop straight down with your knife. Once you do this, you’ve destroyed its spirit and the florets should just fall apart.
By the way, if you’re one of those assholes who puts raw cauliflower on veggie platters, this is an awesome way to cut the whole head into perfect florets really fast without getting all that sticky cauliflower dust all over everything (seriously though, just buy a jicama).
Fill your food processor about 1/2 full of florets (don’t use the stems) and hit the pulse button. You don’t want to go too far here, just hit it like “bzzt”
You’re waiting for the florets to turn into little pieces, then into almost-rice-sized pieces, then for the almost-ricey pieces to start to look WET and clump. Stop RIGHT THEN. If there’s still a big clump, just take him out and put him in the next batch. At this point it should be thumb printable:
When you’ve riced all the cauliflower, put it in a big bowl, cover it (putting a plate over it works), and microwave it for threeish minutes. Take out, fluff with fork, repeat. Do this in a microwave-safe bowl, ideally not plastic (my very not microwave safe bowl is there just to stage the photo). If you’re microwave averse, you can also steam it by lining your steamer with a coffee filter and steaming a usual.
Use wherever you would use rice or other grain (I’m looking at you, quinoa). I haven’t had any problems freezing it and using it later or reheating it multiple times, whether by itself or in stuff. You’d think it would mush, but it doesn’t seem to.
If you come up with an awesome way to use this, post in the comments: I’d love to hear what people are making!
3 Responses
I like the approach of discussing basic cooking techniques instead of individual recipes!
Along those lines, any thoughts on how I can make a roux or sauce as called for in Soooo many dishes? Would love to see a post on that.
Fun! I love prompts! I’ll work on a thickeners post. 😀 To answer in the short term, guar gum is pretty stellar for hot sauces. Sprinkle slowly and whisk like MAD to avoid clumps (same technique as step 17 in Soup From A Stone? Jelly From A Cactus!). For cold stuff, agar agar (firm gel), gelatin (medium gel), and pectin (soft gel) work super well. Also, play with adding a pureed vegetable like eggplant or zucchini. You can also use cauliflower rice as a kind of thickener. I use it in a goulash that I’ll be posting about next. To answer the question more directly though, the way to make a roux without grain is to not so much make the roux and just go straight to thickening the sauce. I find that I do better with grain-free cooking if I change my thinking from “how do I make all these grain-based recipes without grains?” to “how do I make delicious meats and plants MORE delicious??”. Let me know how the faux roux turns out!
I’m not a pasta fan either! I’ll cut up maybe 5 pieecs into a bowl of sauce, veggies and salad but really, it’s all about the sauce! I like to puree cauliflower, carrots, cashew nuts and sundried tomatos into my sauce Plenty of garlic, salt and pepper too! Yum.. I also love baked beans pureed into the sauce! As a child, I woulnd’t eat anything but pasta and sauce.. so my nan got creative to get me to eat extra veg and beans! Ultimate comfort food now! x