Friends, we need to have a sit down. We need to talk about ants on a log. These whimsical, sunshiny sticks of crunchy delight and pure gooey joy metamorphosize into something very sinister indeed once we breech into adulthood. Let’s take it point by disappointing point.
1. Peanut butter is DELICIOUS.
2. Peanut butter is not that great for you. For one, because it’s a legume with a skooshy fake shell that grows underground where it’s warm and moist, it’s prone to mold and insect pressure, and because of THAT it’s usually doused in herba/fungi/insecticides, which also seep into the notnut itself because, as stated, skooshy fake shell.
Truer than you think, sir, truer than you think.
3. You guys, peanut butter is seriously not that great for you. Because it’s a legume and not a nut, it also has a lot of leptins in it (same with grains and beans, fyi). Leptins are the under-desk, sickly tan, ABC Fruit Stripe Gum of membrane proteins: they’re gooey and sticky and they MUST stick immediately to your sweet new khaki cargoes that your mom got you at Kohls last week because they finally went on sale after being totally in style for 2 years and she relented because the pockets are super practical for holding all your items… er, glycans. Long story short, they’re regulator molecules that can either turn the immune system way way up (autoimmune) or way way down (the cancer!).
This was google image #1 when I searched “sinister peanut”.
So what’s a health-conscious lady who just wants to eat adorable food with some freakin’ whimsy to do? Go to the hippy-dippy health food store and buy almond butter, that’s what.
Miss peanut butter.
Hate stirring the almond butter EVERY TIME.
Slowly adapt through overt indignation.
Develop a taste for almond butter.
PREFER almond butter.
Eat way to much almond butter.
So what’s a health-conscious lady who doesn’t want to become monstrously fat to do? Add a bulking agent, that’s what! Here’s whachodo:
1. Obtain some squash! I acquired a buttercup squash and this other one that was not a buttercup, but was… it was green.
2. Cook dem squash! Cut a hole in his head with STABBING, fill with water, put the anti-hole back in and bake on 350 until your kitchen smells like squash.
3. Skchloop out the squash and mix it together with pretty much the whole bag of almond flour (from the hippie-dippie store) and something like 1/2 jar of coconut butter. You will need a very big bowl for this. It will not fit in your 12 cup Cuisinart or Vitamix if those are things that you own (I do not own those things). Use a fork and burn off some of the pounds of almond butter you ate recently because look how many jars full of shame there were.
4. Get weird.
I will fix my spelling tomarrow.
5. On left, the base not-almond butter has lavender blossoms and jasmine oil, the middle is grated ginger and dried hibiscus flowers that I’m pretty sure were supposed to be a tea, and the right is cocoa nibs and finely-chopped apricot pips. All freeze super well!
Just to point out, my solution was not in any way an attempt to throttle my gluttony (affectionately referred to as Operation Fridge Hand).
One response
Hello!
Information on peanut butter is very interesting, definitely not intuitive and alarming because I use Skippy almost daily. Equally interesting if not more is your compounded Almond Butter Mixtures, will have to give it a try. Thanks! Hope you’re well!
Nick the Pharmacist.